An Identity Universe

So my friend..

2009-04-14T23:43:00.002-04:00

So my friend reminded me that I have a blog.... ha, not really. But it almost seems as if I have forgotten about my blogging space. In response to that... the answer is no, I have not forgotten but I mostly started the blog to let my family know how I was doing at school-- since I was starting hormones away from all of them while at Penn State.

Being in NJ isn't really cause for much event so I don't have much to report on, and that's mostly my reason for hiatus.

So... I work at Apple and about.... 4? People know that I am on hormones. There have been a few questions about it, coming from genuine curiosity and other than that.... no real changes.

But testosterone is funny-- injections have been going well. Having developed more muscle in my legs has given me more prime locations.

I still have acne, which sucks very badly. I feel like a perpetual teenager.

I am trying to come to terms with having a different body than bio-males and bio-females.

Now more than ever I feel a disconnect to people on a physical level. Very odd.

But that is all the more reason I want to find strength in my body and in me.

I still feel like a kid. Maybe that is because I am in NJ and I only know how to be a kid in NJ.

Mostly, I am just searching for ways to respect and empower myself...

There are still many questions out there, pt1

2009-01-05T00:33:00.004-05:00

Humans as interdependent beings will always make understanding us very difficult.

We are not like economic equations where we can just control for certain factors......

We will always be functioning to some degree of biological factors and some environmental influence. So, given that, how can we tell who we really are? Is that question even possible to ask?

By exploring the topic of gender identity and gender expression, ourselves or others, I think really helps to display some of the difficulty we face when relating ourselves or ourselves or others.

For starters, we can take a look at biological and environmental/cultural factors which shape our identity from the beginning....

Upon birth, we are sexually identified by our genitalia and given a legal status. Current options for legal sex are Female and Male and it must be determined at the time of birth.We are about.... 5 seconds into the life cycle and we are already making a drastic mistake... for roughly .07 percent or a potential of 21,000 American births, legal female/male sex determination is not possible at the time of birth. The subject I am talking about here is topic which is IGNORED on a greater scale, intersex. Just how common are people born intersex?

Now, the medical history of practices regarding intersex infants is shameful, neo-natal surgery which would construct more "normal" looking genitalia has been common in recent times. Like many other surgeries performed on infants the procedure is potentially fatal. However, doctors claim they perform these surgeries as a medical emergency. ...Really? What is so urgent?

Oh.. I know.. it is because once they put the kid in the nursery the nurse HAS TO KNOW whether to put a PINK or a BLUE hat on its head. Yes, a social crisis indeed.

What is to be gained by resistance of the intersex identity?

Not so much is gained... but more so is the paradigm and hierarchy of male and female supported. Our frame of reference starts to FREAK out when a third category is added in, right?

Are you black or white?

Gay or straight?

Democrat or Republican?

...and lastly the eternal question, Boy or girl?

If intersex is introduced to the sex categories, how will we deal with the already understood hierarchy formed of male and female? The resistance to the recognition of intersex is a testament to how much in our culture RELIES on social dichotomy of males and females... and it is through cultural understandings of gender where we can begin to see how that dichotomy is preserved.

...

A change of pace

2008-10-15T00:13:00.005-04:00

If you know me at all, you know I have some very strong convictions. At the base of all of them is my belief that people are infinity diverse in character and I believe that every one's own identity should be realized and appreciated.

No amount of data or surveys could ever actually explain the depth of human identity. We are beyond physical characteristics, we have an ever-evolving psychology which is shaped by the ever-changing world. And then there is me. Born in 1986 and have lived in a world that does not share this conviction.

Everyone has been subjected to social scrutiny surrounding their race, sex, gender, physical ability, and more. And even though there are people out there who challenge the social pressure, we are still living in it every day.

The pressure doesn't affect everyone in the same way. Some people's identities are easily shaped into the mold while others, like mine, are too hard to squish.

Why was/is my identity so hard to shape?

For starters, I have found that most of the people who would negatively judge my perception of identity have failed to examine their own.

I spent a lot of my growing years trying to figure out who I was and where I belonged. But then there are those who follow the maps that their culture gave them and all they have to do is follow signs, like fashion trends or the latest teen film, to let them know what to do.

And later when questioned about their race or gender, they buckle unable to critically tell you why it is they are the way that they are.

I was never willing to take myself as a category which my world told me I was.

I am more than that.

The "Social Male" Identity:

A rather new idea.

I enter into a store, I am greeted as "Sir."

At my job, I am strongly pat on the back.

Sometimes, I am referred to as "buddy" or "pal" or "brother."

I easily fit in at the Men's bathrooms.

I am not judged for wearing men's style jeans/pants or shirts.

In those cases and more, I present myself in the role as a "social male" meeting all the social requirements of biological males in everyday business settings.

My ability to be respected by others in this role is because of hormone therapy.

My masculine voice and my build are completely aligned with the social cues which prompt others in my culture to treat me as a male as opposed to a female.

In this culture, males and females are the only options and you are in fact treated as one or the other.

The entire social habit of categorizing people by their gender is thus dependent upon gender expression as opposed to gender identity or sex and therefore can be manipulated, to some extent, by an individual.

However, there are more aspects to life than the social part.

Family and relationships would be the next big area, but I haven't thought of anything on that subject that I could write down at the moment.

Then there is BIOLOGY:

As far as reproduction goes, I am useless in every way.

And that is fine with me, I am not a breeder.

Being sterile as a female or male gives the same outcome so... I don't really focus too much on that.

Sexual Activity is another story. In hetero-normative-land, sex is EXTREMELY scripted. It has been the topic of sex education and of that painful "birds and the bees" talk with your mom and dad. It has been shown to you in movies your entire life.

Those who come from the belief that HN-Land is the "right way" to go about one's sexual life probably will have a hard time understanding that a person like myself is not only useful but also desirable in a place called Queer (Kweer) Ville which is in fact quite far from HN-Land.

To suggest that I am useless as a romantic or as a lover based on my anatomy is a very narrow understanding of desire and sexuality.

Gender itself is defined by a social constructs and expectations. Therefore, the limits of those titles only fit in the society they function in.

In Queer Ville, your HN-Land titles won't work so don't hold me to them.

I don't take Testosterone for your recognition or approval.

I take it because it makes my mind feel right with my body.

I know that it is right because since I have started I have been a better friend, more self-assured, and no longer depressed.

Has it saved me from the pains of social pressure? Not all of it.

I don't think anyone can really escape that.

Waaiiitt....

2008-10-06T12:45:00.003-04:00

This here is a little ode to the Terminal 5 bouncer who probably had a tough time at last night's Tegan and Sara concert.

I went with my sister to see the show and we passed by the usual security for a concert venue. They checked liz's bag and took her dam water, of course.

I was then approached by the bouncer to do the standard guy to guy pat down when he was like "waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaiit, you a dude?"
Poor guy working at a Tegan and Sara show probably saw quite a few boi/dyke girls who he put the touches on accidently.

Though I heard what he said I didn't really respond cause I don't get why I have to be touched in the first place so instead I just said, "what?"

At that point he used my voice to determine that I was indeed ok to touch and he smacked his hands on my chest like there could possibly be a weapon up there.

But yeah, this post goes out to him for a tough two nights working as the "touching bouncer" for "dudes" at the Tegan and Sara shows.

Voice. Check.

GREAT show by the way :)

Just a picture..

2008-09-25T21:48:00.002-04:00

Just doing some arm circles......

ANOTHER GOOD THING

2008-09-07T23:31:00.002-04:00

The timing of my decision to STOP taking my anti-depressants is coinciding as the FDA has put my perscription, Cymbalta, on a list of drugs with POTENTIAL SAFETY RISKS.. check more here.

Urinary retention?? Doesn't sound too serious and I have never noticed any bladder problems.

So I guess I am ok??

One week off ADs

2008-09-07T23:07:00.003-04:00

It has been about a week since I have taken any pills and while there is still some lingering effects I have begun to notice some acute changes in me.

The feelings of nausea and have mostly subsided.

There is an occasional tingle that runs through different parts of my body for split seconds. It stops in whatever I am doing but is gone immediately after.

I feel lighter...despite having some weight problems right now... my hands and neck feel more loose. When I feel tired I feel REALLY TIRED and must immediately find darkness and lay down. Sometimes I stay put and sometimes my mind wanders and I awaken and continue on with reading or whatever it is I feel like doing.

But every day I seem to get better and the effects less present.

While I have not felt depressed I have actually ..well have almost cried.

For the first time in a very long while I have actually teared up over a book.

STRANGE feeling. But either way it is allowing me to identify things that are hitting my emotions... gender, ironically has never had that effect on me until now.

So.. emotions are flowing back to me and it is a bit scary since I have been insulated from them for so long but this is good. Feelings are GOOD!

3 Days off Anti-Depress

2008-09-02T18:52:00.003-04:00

I really wonder if these feelings will ever freakin end.

Withdrawl, i suppose this is what it is.

Feelings so far are CONSTANT dizzyness, light-headedness, nausea.

It feels like I want to sleep but when i try I can't.

Light kinda bothers my eyes.

The pressure seems to build up in my ears.

I feel the best when I am active and kinda moving around but then.. the dizzyness makes that uncomfortable.

Tired but can't sleep. Head feels heavy... this just needs to end.

August 30 and 31

2008-09-01T01:11:00.002-04:00

It's a couple days late that I reflect now upon one year on testosterone and an end to 4 years on anti-depressants.

On the hormonal front, my life has changed drastically over the past year, obviously.
Body has obviously changed because of those hormones-- broader shoulders, sideburns, muscle, body hair, and of course the voice. But all of those were expected changes.

I needed those changes to happen they are that which gives me the stature to live as a social male. I have had no problems being treated as male for the majority of this past year.

The amount of stress that took off my life was more than I expected and it has only gotten easier.

What was unexpected was the calm which seemed to accompany the testosterone. In an extremely emotionally draining last year at Penn State, I held myself together quite well. Where I would have usually found anger and frustration I found mostly calm reflection. In an unexpected chain of events, testosterone has made me a less volatile person.

It was a year full of changes. My name changed. I seemed to always be buying new clothes to fit into. I stopped having to wear binding shirts.

Is the depression gone? I don't know really.
I could tell what the pills were doing though. Obviously, they stabilized my mood. And that was basically why I had a problem with them. I want to know what it feels like to feel.
I have felt so detached from my body because of gender issues and my mind because of the pills. I want it all back right now.

Today was my first day without a capsule in the morning.
I followed instructions from my doctor and for the past month I have been taking decreasing doses. I didn't notice too much discomfort until later in the night. At the moment my head seems as if is under a lot of pressure.

I look forward to the next year to rebuild myself.
Push away all the problems of college and of pills.

I know that this year will fly by just as the ones before have. I feel a lot of pressure to regroup quickly and make it to Oregon next year as this perfect person who is rip roarin to take on the world. Truth is I am still trying to get used to myself.

Picture... Month 1 to Month 11

2008-07-30T17:22:00.003-04:00

Picture

2008-06-28T16:48:00.002-04:00

Surgery Update-- Pictures

2008-06-25T22:02:00.005-04:00

It has been 3 weeks since my top surgery and things are going really well.

The pain was very manageable, I was only on pain medicine for maybe one week.

I am officially out of my tube top bandage that I had to wear for 2 weeks. That was really uncomfortable to have to sleep in. Now and for the next couple weeks I am going to be wearing shirts like Under Armor to kinda keep a little bit of pressure on my chest.

I am still a bit swollen but as I just measured my chest is 35", around 3" less than pre-surgery.
I still can't use all of my upper body strength or really enjoy a full range of motion.

The swelling will subside gradually. The procedure that was used kept all of my skin so it is going to take a while, like 6 months up to a year, for the skin to tighten up.
If you take a look at the pictures below, there isn't much scarring at all.

The most uncomfortable part is probably hyper-sensitivity of the nipples. They are already darker than pre-surgery and should continue to kinda "prune out," according to the Dr.

But really, I couldn't be much happier with the results thus far :)

Day 4 of recovery

3 Weeks

Post-op, day one.

2008-06-05T19:43:00.003-04:00

Look at me here just prior to surgery:

The time in surgery took longer than expected. I went into the operation room at around 11am and did not come out until close to 5pm. No complications, really, it just took longer than expected. I woke up with little pain in my chest, but a hell of a lot of pain in my arms.
They kinda had my arms spread all the way out and tied down for close to 6 hours, I woke up and they were really cramped and they gave me some extra pain medicine.

I have been sleeping on and off throughout the past 24 hours. Can't really get that comfortable in order to sleep for a long period of time.
I have two drains attached to my front that are sucking in extra fluid.

That is me just chillin... Will update again soon.
Thanks for all the phone calls and messages :)

Midnight... the morning of surgery

2008-06-04T00:00:00.010-04:00

Look at me, I graduated!!!!!

Hellllllllooo, are you all still with me? For those who follow via the blog, my apologies. I am so bad with writing down my thoughts... I live in my head most of the time. But today, I truly have stuff to report on.
It is midnight, and from now until I return home, I can neither eat nor drink.
Surgery, of the top sort-- chest reconstructive is today at 10:15am :).

I have had many phone calls and emails from people offering their best wishes. I much appreciate that.

I know it has been a long time since I updated ya'll on the body.. soo here is a little something...
It has been just over 8 months on testosterone and at the moment, just prior to top surgery:

Weight: 149 (pssssssh, I think that scale is off)
Calf: 14.5inches
Neck: 15.5inches
Bicep: 13.5inches
Thigh: 21inches
Chest: 38.5

Ance is present. Facial hair is starting to appear on the sides and on my chin. Hair has thickened on legs, stomach, upper arms, upper back, under arms.

I am really excited about tomorrow/today. Both my mom and dad are coming with me to the office. The people who work there and the Dr. himself are really really nice people :).

The recovery will be slow but I know I have good folks takin care of me. Much love.

Some pre-surgery photos:

Still alive

2008-05-04T02:34:00.003-04:00

So yes I am actually still alive.
It has been quite a long time since I updated, I know, but give me a break cuz life has been hectic!

Hopefully, I will be posting some really cool pics soon!!

It has amazingly enough become spring time in State College. Warm weather for the past two years has been this love-hate kinda thing. I personally love the hot weather, sun helps my mood and just kind excites me.

But the one thing I hate is wearing summer clothes! The compression shirts I wear normally are soooo heavy and it makes me hot no matter what. When I get hot I get irritable too, not pretty.
So I am REALLY counting down the days (ONE MONTH EXACTLY) until my surgery.. when I will NEVER have to worry about this stuff again. No more anxiety about mundane things. I can just BE.

A 3-month delayed response.

2008-03-14T00:46:00.006-04:00

I will no longer feel guilty about not going to Christmas Eve mass.

As per usual tradition, the whole family goes out together while I and another family member stay home to put together some of Santa's toys for him.
I like to do that because I know it helps out my aunt and uncle since they have two little ones who usually have gifts that need assembly. And what is cooler than it already BEING assembled when you open it? Not much.

Anyways, so this past Christmas Eve (2007), I stayed behind with my uncle and we put together some odd high chair and wrapped some other gifts. Job only took 45 minutes or so and we ended up having plenty of time to talk about life, he got to talk and so did I. It was really better and more intimate than any church mass could be.

He told me he has supported me and loved me without question. He then asked me head on if Christina was okay.
I had no idea what to say...
Because, at that point I wasn't sure who I was or what it meant to be a person.
Initially, I said that she is me but I just looked different.
But is that really all that has changed?

I don't know if I am the person who can answer that... I don't see myself the way others do.
I have always taken pride in my intellect and my family and my sense of ethics, but I made a distinction between the sense within myself and the identity it was packaged in long ago.

I suppose, I, now, absorbed the past sense of self but just not the identity.
That may change with time...
I am still very early in transition and I still battle with the "she/he" business.
I don't think I am comfortable enough yet to embrace that former identity.
I am pretty sure that the person remains as me today.
Person being the character and.. wit.. (yeah right)... interests...attitudes...
Is that what people loved??

Maybe one day I will see her again within me... but for right now, I still feel a bit haunted.

What are you waiting for?

2008-03-14T00:34:00.002-04:00

Tis Spring Break... my last of my undergraduate career. Hard to believe that I have made it this far but alas, it's true.
Anyways... I thought I'd blog some more about feelings since.. this IS a blog.

People sometimes instruct me to stand up straight. For those of you who know me... I don't really have a problem with confidence so you wonder, why the slouch?
To stand up in "proper" posture, one needs to kinda straighten out the back and somewhat bring the chest forward... Hmmm... Now why would I want to draw attention to my chest?!
I don't. That is why I slouch. If I concave my back, my shoulders come forward a bit and and my front appears more flat.

People sometimes tell me to stop wearing such neutral colors and plain shirts. Well, once again, it is all about masking this part of me. Can't wear COOL graphic tees I see on threadless.com because that just draws waaaay too much attention to my core.
Look away! is that my clothes say.

I am VERY excited for my surgery in June.
People as me if I am nervous and I say no!!! I am far too excited/happy to be nervous.
Every day is another day closer to a day when I don't have to slouch and can wear the clothes I want to.
I have been going through my shirts to decide which ONE will be THE ONE... The FIRST ONE I wear without.... yada yada...
Truly, this shirt will go down in my history book.

Acne goin down!

2008-03-01T15:57:00.004-05:00

Yup yup... trueee.

Not sure of the correlation but my dosage has been increased and the appearance of acne as well.

For about the past week or so I have been deploying an army of Salicylic Acid onto my face.
It seems to have a stronger effect than Benzoyl Peroxide.

I have been using Neutrogena: Oil-Free Acne Wash, cream cleanser and Neutrogena Rapid Clear, spot treatment. Both with a 2% salicylic acid.

Side effects have been dry skin and peeling.
So, February was my most unattractive month... but looks like things will be getting better, yay!

A February Update

2008-02-19T20:26:00.006-05:00

Oh man, where have you been???????

Life has been busy, I swear! I am in my last semester at Penn State. Still pretty involved. This is one of my first free nights since the semester began.

Current State:
Height: 5'4
Weight: 140
Shirt size: Small/Medium
Skin: ACNE breakout on face and back
Hair: Leg hair is filling in heavily below the knee and starting to cover the thigh.

There are some prickly chin hairs, but not much to speak of.

My dosage has changed from .5cc every 2 weeks to .5cc every 10 days.
I made my date for top surgery: 6/4/08 :)

On a ligher note

2008-01-08T02:11:00.000-05:00

I found my surgeon!!
Upon recommendation, I had a consultation with Dr. Herbstman of East Brunswick, NJ.
Dr. Herbstman's practice, Contemporary Plastic Surgery Arts, actually specializes in male breast reduction.
Upon examination he concluded that the procedure that he would follow for male breast reduction, would be the best for me. Unlike my first consult, Dr. Herbstman will follow a procedure that does not involve any skin removal. He was confident that my body would respond to the changes well enough as to not require any other skin be removed. Also, he does not anticipate much scarring.
He will make a small incision, around the bottom half of the nipple
I am pretty much on board here.
The cost is much more amiable than the previous Dr.

So I think all is set with this doctor.
I haven't scheduled yet, but I plan to do i around my birthday, so the end of May.
He said I should be on my way back to "normal activity" after about 3 weeks.

A deeper look...

2008-01-08T01:45:00.000-05:00

A lot of people argue whether or not people who have problems with their physical anatomy (i.e. think they were born in the wrong body), need to go to therapy as a requirement before transition.
I agree that for the most part people who have problems with their bodies in such a way don't really have anything "mentally" wrong with them. The diagnosis of Gender Identity Disorder (GID), is misleading in such a way.
By and large, most people are helped most in therapy by confronting the emotional strain they face by living in a society that sees them in a different way than they see themselves.

It is only when I look back that I can see the mental strain and stressors that were alive within me that I failed to notice in the present time.
I'll share one example that has caused the most problem in my life.
I would swear to a jury that one day about 10 years ago I was struck with a ball in the chest that later led to a lump. I would also swear that the doctor said that it was nothing to worry about, I remember thinking she was wrong. The strange growth, to me, never went away but I never wanted to look weak or at worst...dying. I never said anything until I realized I wanted to have top surgery.
People have asked how I knew I was sure I wanted to have it done, I said, "I just knew."
But that was a lie, I knew because no matter how much I wanted to hide what I thought was cancer/ a lifetime of lies, I was willing to uncover it for top surgery. And it started last summer. I went to 3 different doctors and had multiple x-rays taken... all negative. It was only after then when I ceased feeling the lumps. I thought... well if it is positive then it is all true, my chest was never supposed to be this way now it can be removed.
But it wasn't... it was negative... Can you believe I was disappointed?
Because that meant... my body was ok. For so long I thought it wasn't...
Looking back I cannot believe how lucky I am to have gotten a negative result.

I won't ever be able to explain how much thinking I was cancerous/ dying for most of my growing up years has effected my life. I won't really know... but I know its ruined a lot of it.
But I like to keep positive and think, that I still got my life ahead of me. And I do.

What I feel like is that I am less prepared for it than I would have otherwise been. My duty is to make up for that lost time.

The Holidays 2007

2008-01-03T22:19:00.000-05:00

I was really surprised when I came home to my festive house on my semester break to see that my mom and sister had changed my name on my stockings :).

I had not thought about the name problem christmas can cause! But they fixed it and it was quite awesome.

Christmas morning my stocking was full of Nivea For Men products and AXE bodywash. Pretty good I must say :).

yay for family.

2007-12-20T14:11:00.001-05:00

Month 1 ___________________Month 3

Doctor Visit #2

2007-12-18T19:46:00.000-05:00

Just got back from my second appointment with Dr. Levine.
He says I am doing well!
We are going to continue to on the same dosage.

I have gained 10 pounds since August.

Life continues...

Me just looking like I do.
Voice Clip

2007-12-02T02:35:00.000-05:00

It is really exciting to watch my body change.

This experience has thus far made me feel very aware of my body and therefore very alive.
Day to day, you don't usually notice how your body is sustaining itself but it truly is.
The body doesn't just...exist... it has to produce in order to sustain.

Really really.. quite remarkable.

3 Month Update

2007-11-25T23:58:00.000-05:00

Things becoming rather queer....
And by that I mean... things that I have noticed changes in...

From the bottom up...

Feet have remained the same, no change in hair or vein appearance.

Calves have bulked up in muscle and in hair.

Thighs have bulked up in muscle and so far there is a bit more hair growth.

Hips have not been measured but I have felt pains recently that made me feel as if I were in a vice (yes, very painful.) Similar to the pains in puberty round 1 just on the reverse.
Stomach is holding the same features, peach fuzz hair and more.

Chest is showing signs of some developing pectoral muscle.
Shoulders have shown the most change in muscle and structure.
Arms in general have become more muscular.
Neck is showing some increase in muscle.
Face has been having bad acne problems, I am presently trying to control this mess with :

Dr. Bronner's Soap
Clean and Clear Pore Toner
AcneFree Terminator 10

Hairline is unchanged.

It has been a long time...

2007-11-17T22:24:00.000-05:00

Senior year at Penn State has been quite stressful thus far.
We have finally made it to our first break of the year, Thanksgiving.
It seems as if these past 3 weeks have been just one long struggle to this point.

But how is the testosterone working out?
Great.

So I have hit roughly 2.5 months and changes have been noticeable.
I am getting a lot of comments on my arms, yes I have been working out ;-).
Voice is still dropping... but I have so many squeaky moments it is quite funny.
I can't verbally get too excited in a crowd, I sound way to ridiculous.

Most of the name stuff has all worked itself out. Credit cards...checks...school... all have the right name now. So things on that front have been less stressful.

I seem to pass fairly consistently.

Voice Clip

Recent Article

2007-11-13T02:53:00.000-05:00

Hey ya'll,

Just wanted to send you a link to an article that one of my best good friends wrote about me for our campus's LGBT newsletter : The OutRider

July v November

2007-11-06T12:37:00.001-05:00

Well.. there is a shock!

2007-10-23T21:08:00.000-04:00

Total Testosterone Reference

Age: 20 years and older

Male: 280 to 1080 ng/dL

Female: Less than 70 ng/dL

Total Time Elapsed	Injections Past	Days Elapsed from previous dose	Date	Testosterone Total (ng/dL)	Dose
Pre-T	0	X	8/28/07	36	.5 cc/ 2 weeks (100mg/ 2 weeks)
6 Weeks	4	1	10/11/07	644	.5cc/ 2 weeks (100mg/2 weeks)

It's quiet in here... a bit....too quiet.

2007-10-16T21:44:00.000-04:00

I haven't written much lately.
Not too much to say or much time to say the little I want to say.

Things have been changing for me in so many ways. I had to say goodbye to the person who knows the most about me here, because we just do not see eye to eye anymore.
My good friend and mentor is leaving in December. And my best friend up here, Peter, is leaving school and going back home to Philly. The foundation I stood on has now cracked and I need to rebuild.
For those of you have no idea what it feels like to be closeted or silenced, it feels like heaviness and darkness. For my ENTIRE life, over 21 years, I have been seeing only darkness ahead. A constant state of disappointment that eventually led way to chronic depression. I can recall my thoughts, the thoughts that I will never be happy. How could I be?
My life has changed so much since then. I am about to graduate college. I am an active student leader on campus. I am going out with friends and having FUN.
And I am freakin trans! I am becoming the person I have always wanted to be.
Don't you know what this means?
It means... I could be happy. It means that sometimes when I look down the tunnel, theres light.
I can't imagine my life as happy.
My depression has been part of me for so long and I can feel myself losing it...
The further it travels away from me and the stronger and more optimistic i feel, feelings of retreat arise. Run away! If you keep going down this path, you may one day be happy...and Chris, if you are ever happy, you will eventually know what it is like to fall.
The happiness is pulling me towards it.... and I could take it... but with that comes so much.

Dissappointment

2007-10-06T15:48:00.001-04:00

It has been about 5 weeks now....

While I am sure the point of plateau is about 2.5 years away...
I expected a bit more out of this first month.

On the up side there were no crazy mood changes. I was able to stay concentrated on my school work.
My voice fluctuates which is pretty much expected to happen.
HOWEVER...
I am experiencing a completely NORMAL period. That is FUCKED up.
I am extremely angry about it.

I will have to wait for my blood work on tuesday to get any changes in my dosage.. but it will really fucking suck if I can't up it.
If he doesn't suggest to up it I am thinking of switching doctors because I don't have fucking forever to wait.

1

2007-09-30T01:35:00.000-04:00

ONE MONTH

Voice Clip: One Month

Changes? Not really any big ones to report on.
Voice fluctuates from day to day.
Strength is increasing, but exercising has decreased.
Skin is a bit more oily than usual.

Third Shot

2007-09-27T13:44:00.000-04:00

Well that was kind of a bloody disaster.... literally.....

So, today marks my third injection.

My plan: Wake up, shower, shot.

The first two went just fine, the third... not so much.

So, I filled the syringe up to .5 as usual, changed to the smaller needle as the nurse told me to do.
Stuck the thing in my leg, which actually kinda hurt, then I pulled out the needle when some blood and what looked like a whole lot of the testosterone just poured out of the whole in which the needle left in my leg.
So I really don't know what to do, I e-mailed my doctor to ask if there was anything I could/should do.

I am on pretty much a half dosage right now so losing some/most of it is really just not going to help my progress forward.
I know it sounds impatient of me, but I was hoping to look semi-changed by graduation. So I can take pictures and have them somewhat resemble me.
In a couple of weeks I will be getting some more blood work done where they will test my free/epi testosterone levels, so they will be able to tell if the dosage is adequate for my system or not. I may just have to wait until then to see if the dosage will change. Even .75 every two weeks, or or or .5 every 10 days, something like that.
Will update later when the doc e-mails me back.

Forgot to mention

2007-09-22T20:24:00.000-04:00

So, I totally forgot to update about my name change!!!!

IT is official!
On Tuesday, I was affirmed as Christopher Marcus Lenn by the NJ courts :)
It was a pretty painless process.

I went over to the DMV afterwards and got my license changed, once again no problems. Everyone was polite.

Went to the bank and changed my account name.... once again no problems!

Things a shakin?

2007-09-22T20:05:00.000-04:00

Well, nope not really.

I went to see my therapist, Mary, on Thursday and she said I seem very content. And I am.
She agreed that the super-aggressive hype, was pretty much just that as did another trans-friend.

I am pleased that there has not been much in mood change, but it's still early, who knows what will happen in a few weeks?

So far the effects have been pretty mild but definite.
Increase and ease in sweating and voice changes.
Just recently there has been some hair growth on my knees which is new and an increase in strength in my arms.
I am please that my skin has been handling changes quite well, no sign of acne. :).

Here is just another voice clip, this is the beginning of the fourth week.

Week 4: Voice clip

Day 15- Photos

2007-09-15T03:15:00.001-04:00

Mood Swing Warning

2007-09-11T23:38:00.000-04:00

Dr. Levine warned me that due to the fact that the testosterone releases as time passes, I may basically be out of juice by the end of the two week cycle.
I will be at a TOTALLY different hormonal level the just a few days before so there may be the possibility of mood swings towards the end of the cycle.
Oh yeah.
He told me to watch out on days 12-14. It's day 12, and I feel like the poops.
Feeling tired and irritated. I have one more day to go until my next shot... let's just hope tomorrow is no disaster.
smile smile and smile.

As per request :)

2007-09-10T16:48:00.000-04:00

11 Days

How things are:::
Voice has deepened for the most part
Sweating increase
Hunger is about the same
No signs of anger or aggression
Increase in thirst

One week on T

2007-09-06T12:27:00.001-04:00

Not sure if there is anything to report, really.
Here's me.
I recorded a new voice clip, any different??

Voice Clip: One Week on T

(Man, it is such a pain trying to grow back eyebrows.)

So some bad news...

I went to the doctor today so he could check out the odd thing that is protruding from my right knee... He recommended that I see a physical therapist. For now, cardio-work outs are kinda put to the side and I only do a little light yoga at night.
But, I have been doing a lot more push ups and stretches to make sure I stay limber.

So, Peter....what's..happeninggggg??

2007-08-31T18:58:00.000-04:00

One day, can't expect much changes.

I have noticed my voice fluctuating a bit and that I am thirsty a lot.
That is all thus far :)

The first dose

2007-08-30T20:38:00.001-04:00

Today marks my first injections of testosterone.

I went to University Health Services and met with a doctor, who will be monitoring me while I am at school, and a nurse who taught me how to do the injections.
Two very very very very nice people. If you are at UP and want to know the names of some good people at UHS, just ask me.

The nurse gave me a smaller needle to use and it hardly hurt at all.
I don't feel any different. I felt some tightness/tingly in my throat but that is about it.
I have been celebrating with some friends and having some drinks :)

I suppose.. we will see what happens tomorrow.
But.. here is the beginning.

When it rains it pours!

2007-08-29T20:27:00.001-04:00

What a day!

Today I got my first perscription for testosterone in the mail!

There it is! Quite small.

So I could be starting as EARLY as TOMORROW!
How crazy is that??? Rocking Rocking.

I also got my court date for the name change-- TERRIBLE DATE!
It is supposed to be at 9AM on Tuesday, Sept 18th.
That doesn't fit in my schedule at alllllllll. We were told it was likely to be a Friday.

Well, I will update tomorrow with any updates. And perhaps finally on T.

2-4 Business Days

2007-08-28T11:24:00.000-04:00

I am back at State College and things are going smoothly.
My prescription is on its way and should be here by the end of the week/early next week.

I went to get my blood work done today, it was no problem at all.
I have been in contact with a nurse at the University who will be helping me get started with the injections.

So far so good.

I was approached by my friend, Lloyd, who is editing the LGBTA newsletter that our school's resource center distributes, if I was interested/would be against a column about my transition throughout the year. Pretty cool, I think! Local celeb, hah. We'll see if it happens.

The first appointment!

2007-08-24T22:02:00.000-04:00

Well well well... Today, I got my first prescription for testosterone!

The trip began at 10am, my parents and I traveled to Hershey to see a doctor who is in the PSU system. It took roughly 2.5 hours to get there; just what we expected due to Google Maps :). All in all the experience went as expected for me. The doctor was really careful as to not make me feel comfortable during the physical examination. It looks like I should be getting my first prescription (in the mail from Strohecker's Pharm) within the next two weeks.

Before I start, I will be getting a bunch of blood work done up at State College. There will be various check-ups in the next few months, but for the most part it seems as if this whole process is on autopilot. After the first month or so I should be giving the shots to myself.
I am starting at 100mg/ 2 weeks.

I was really stressed out all day for some reason. Perhaps a bit anxious?
Post-appointment, I started to realize that there is a looot of responsibility on my part: make each appointment, make sure the right doctors are talking to each other, learn how to put a two-inch needle into my leg. It is totally worth it, noo question about that one. Keeping up with doctors is something new for me. I guess, I just really want to get started.
All this, plus starting my last year at PSU.... aaaaaaaaaaaaaaah. The stress.

A quick trim

2007-08-21T22:06:00.000-04:00

I run the electric razor over my face as if I am giving myself a nice just shaved look.

Albeit it appears no different, when I open up the 'hair catcher thing' there are little bitty hairs and I can tell I am smooooother. Not that I am actually growing facial hair, but if there is stuff to cut now then there may be some later. To that, I say poo.

I have for serious stocked up on clothing. I have no idea what my body will be like in one year from now, so it is kinda hard to buy clothing. I have leaned towards buying shirts a bit bigger since I plan on being a muscle machine (watch out, neil, if you are reading).

I head to see Dr. Levine, who will be monitoring my hormone treatments, this Friday, I will be joined by my mom and maybe my dad. Big family fun outing. I have been super excited all week, it is hard to sleep :).

If I failed to mention that my mother is amazing...

2007-08-06T17:46:00.001-04:00

I will say it again, my mother is amazing. Inspired by I don't know what, she has decided to start a blog of her own.

"A Mother's Story"

So, my transition from my mother's perspective, there it is. Check it out :)

It is amazing...

2007-08-06T17:11:00.000-04:00

I posted my blog to quite a few friends via facebook and e-mailed it out to my family members. The responses I have gotten have been unreal.
There are so many layers to this whole thing. Having supportive family and friends makes me one of the luckiest humans around. I mean... honestly, how often do we get cheered and openly talk about love and support? I came out and I was lucky enough to be welcomed by amazing family and friends. We all know that my case is not the norm.
Believe me when I say that it was difficult at first, especially with the family. Adjustments had to be made but it was kind of fight or flight. We can get through this together or they could push me away. Just imagine if everyone came out, no matter what about, how much more support we could show each other.

Another Monday

2007-08-06T16:55:00.000-04:00

I could barely fall asleep last night due to the anticipation of my morning appointment with Dr. Kevin Nini, a plastic surgeon. I was up until 5 and woke up at 8:30. This doctor came highly recommended from another highly respected medical breast surgeon. Luckily, his office, Plastic Surgery Arts is located about 30 minutes from me in New Brunswick (right near Rutgers University).
I was not expecting to set a date for top surgery, I just wanted to find out major things:
how much down time i would need to recover and costs.
I am completely positive I would like to have top surgery performed (chest reconstruction). From what I have seen, it seems most common to have the surgery within the first year of hormone treatment.
The worst thing about it is the cost. The doctor himself is quite expensive, and if you want the best it is going to cost you. I can definitely say that the PSA practice has its stuff together, I felt like I was in LA or something on Dr. 90210. Dr. Nini has performed surgery on some MTF clients and he was very open to my situation. When I asked about having a letter from my therapist to 'clear my mental state' he said that it didn't matter to him and he trusted that I was coming from an honest place.
Since we got our free quote (yipeeee) I haven't wanted to put it down. It makes me so happy to know that it may actually be possible to have this surgery and that I am one step closer :)

August 5 2007- Photo & Voice

2007-08-05T11:34:00.001-04:00

Pre-T Voice Clip

Current State:
Height: 5'4
Weight: 132
Neck: 14.5
Arm Rep Curl (single): 15 lbs - 20lbs
Leg Rep Lifting: 60 quad, 50 hamstring
Athletic build
Sweats easily and a lot
Moderate to high energy
Moderate to high appetite
Oily skin- occasional breakouts
Dandruff ( grooooosss)
Hair coverage on forearms and legs (below knee)
Fine hair coverage upper back/neck, stomach, hands/fingers, feet/toes, upper arms

My First Step

2007-08-04T01:04:00.000-04:00

On my most recent birthday, when my parents asked me what I wanted... I was not quite sure. I had nothing I...WANTED to hold or wear or look at.
It struck me one night... and I said "Mom, I know what I want for my birthday, a lawyer."

My 21st birthday present from my parents, was an all-expense all-work paid for name change.
We are still in the process, but just this week I filed my "Verified Complaint" to the state requesting to change my name to Christopher Marcus Lenn.
I wanted to keep the same initials I always had.
Coming up with a first name was pretty easy, I was supposed to be Christopher..... when something baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad happened. Heh.
I wanted my middle name to be symbolic of someone who has made a really big impact on me and hopefully with an M- name. Luckily, that was a NO brainer. My uncle Marcus, or as I like to call him Ig Monet has been just the most amazing uncle, brother to my mother.... just everything. I informed him that I wanted to change my middle name to his first name... needless to say by the end everyone involved in the conversation was in tears.
So, my step one: Name Change

Why now??

2007-08-04T00:57:00.000-04:00

Choosing the correct time to transition is obviously different for everyone.
I took quite a few things into account:
I want to graduate from Penn State with the correct name on my degree.
I would like to take advantage of the medical services at school that assist trans students.
I hope to look back at my graduation photos and see me, somewhat masculine.
I want to start my career life off as Christopher, no baggage.
I have a great support system while at school-- it is like being at Smart Camp.
I chose now, because I am completly certain that it is right for me and it is damn hard waiting to be yourself.

It all starts soon...

2007-08-04T00:36:00.000-04:00

I made my first appointment with the Doctor who will be handling my hormone therapy for August 24th at 2pm. Prior to this appointment, I met with about 3 other doctors who were able to give me a clean-bill of health so I know that I am ready to go.

I was inspired by a few things to start this blog:
one: being the creator of the 'Trannyboi" website, Corbin. If you have never been there I really suggest going. He keeps a voice, photo and written journal of his transition. His site has been there for me every time I had a question or when I would get scared.
two: The friends and family who I won't be able to see as I begin to transition.
three: for me. I want to be able to track myself. I think it will be good to try and keep this one thing constant while the hormones kick in, as a safe space.

Ya'll know I am a photographer so I will keep this updated with photos. Following in Corbin's footsteps, I will keep keeping a record of my voice as it changes.

All I can do right now is wait. The past 21 years has just been a waiting process...