So my friend..

So my friend reminded me that I have a blog.... ha, not really. But it almost seems as if I have forgotten about my blogging space. In response to that... the answer is no, I have not forgotten but I mostly started the blog to let my family know how I was doing at school-- since I was starting hormones away from all of them while at Penn State.

Being in NJ isn't really cause for much event so I don't have much to report on, and that's mostly my reason for hiatus.

So... I work at Apple and about.... 4? People know that I am on hormones. There have been a few questions about it, coming from genuine curiosity and other than that.... no real changes.

But testosterone is funny-- injections have been going well. Having developed more muscle in my legs has given me more prime locations.

I still have acne, which sucks very badly. I feel like a perpetual teenager.

I am trying to come to terms with having a different body than bio-males and bio-females.

Now more than ever I feel a disconnect to people on a physical level. Very odd.

But that is all the more reason I want to find strength in my body and in me.

I still feel like a kid. Maybe that is because I am in NJ and I only know how to be a kid in NJ.

Mostly, I am just searching for ways to respect and empower myself...

There are still many questions out there, pt1

Humans as interdependent beings will always make understanding us very difficult.

We are not like economic equations where we can just control for certain factors...... 

We will always be functioning to some degree of biological factors and some environmental influence. So, given that, how can we tell who we really are? Is that question even possible to ask?

By exploring the topic of gender identity and gender expression, ourselves or others, I think really helps to display some of the difficulty we face when relating ourselves or ourselves or others. 

For starters, we can take a look at biological and environmental/cultural factors which shape our identity from the beginning.... 

Upon birth, we are sexually identified by our genitalia and given a legal status. Current options for legal sex are Female and Male and it must be determined at the time of birth.We are about.... 5 seconds into the life cycle and we are already making a drastic mistake... for roughly .07 percent or a potential of 21,000 American births, legal female/male sex determination is not possible at the time of birth. The subject I am talking about here is topic which is IGNORED on a greater scale, intersex. Just how common are people born intersex? 

Now, the medical history of practices regarding intersex infants is shameful, neo-natal surgery which would construct more "normal" looking genitalia has been common in recent times. Like many other surgeries performed on infants the procedure is potentially fatal. However, doctors claim they perform these surgeries as a medical emergency. ...Really? What is so urgent? 

Oh.. I know.. it is because once they put the kid in the nursery the nurse HAS TO KNOW whether to put a PINK or a BLUE hat on its head. Yes, a social crisis indeed. 

What is to be gained by resistance of the intersex identity? 

Not so much is gained... but more so is the paradigm and hierarchy of male and female supported. Our frame of reference starts to FREAK out when a third category is added in, right?

Are you black or white?

Gay or straight?

Democrat or Republican? 

...and lastly the eternal question, Boy or girl?

If intersex is introduced to the sex categories, how will we deal with the already understood hierarchy formed of male and female? The resistance to the recognition of intersex is a testament to how much in our culture RELIES on social dichotomy of males and females... and it is through cultural understandings of gender where we can begin to see how that dichotomy is preserved. 

...

A change of pace

If you know me at all, you know I have some very strong convictions. At the base of all of them is my belief that people are infinity diverse in character and I believe that every one's own identity should be realized and appreciated.

No amount of data or surveys could ever actually explain the depth of human identity. We are beyond physical characteristics, we have an ever-evolving psychology which is shaped by the ever-changing world. And then there is me. Born in 1986 and have lived in a world that does not share this conviction. 

Everyone has been subjected to social scrutiny surrounding their race, sex, gender, physical ability, and more. And even though there are people out there who challenge the social pressure, we are still living in it every day. 

The pressure doesn't affect everyone in the same way. Some people's identities are easily shaped into the mold while others, like mine, are too hard to squish.

Why was/is my identity so hard to shape?

For starters, I have found that most of the people who would negatively judge my perception of identity have failed to examine their own.

I spent a lot of my growing years trying to figure out who I was and where I belonged. But then there are those who follow the maps that their culture gave them and all they have to do is follow signs, like fashion trends or the latest teen film, to let them know what to do.

And later when questioned about their race or gender, they buckle unable to critically tell you why it is they are the way that they are.

I was never willing to take myself as a category which my world told me I was.

I am more than that.

The "Social Male" Identity:

A rather new idea.

I enter into a store, I am greeted as "Sir."

At my job, I am strongly pat on the back.

Sometimes, I am referred to as "buddy" or "pal" or "brother."

I easily fit in at the Men's bathrooms.

I am not judged for wearing men's style jeans/pants or shirts.

In those cases and more, I present myself in the role as a "social male" meeting all the social requirements of biological males in everyday business settings.

My ability to be respected by others in this role is because of hormone therapy.

My masculine voice and my build are completely aligned with the social cues which prompt others in my culture to treat me as a male as opposed to a female.

In this culture, males and females are the only options and you are in fact treated as one or the other.

The entire social habit of categorizing people by their gender is thus dependent upon gender expression as opposed to gender identity or sex and therefore can be manipulated, to some extent, by an individual.

However, there are more aspects to life than the social part.

Family and relationships would be the next big area, but I haven't thought of anything on that subject that I could write down at the moment.

Then there is BIOLOGY:

As far as reproduction goes, I am useless in every way. 

And that is fine with me, I am not a breeder.

Being sterile as a female or male gives the same outcome so... I don't really focus too much on that.

Sexual Activity is another story. In hetero-normative-land, sex is EXTREMELY scripted. It has been the topic of sex education and of that painful "birds and the bees" talk with your mom and dad. It has been shown to you in movies your entire life.

Those who come from the belief that HN-Land is the "right way" to go about one's sexual life probably will have a hard time understanding that a person like myself is not only useful but also desirable in a place called Queer (Kweer) Ville which is in fact quite far from HN-Land.

To suggest that I am useless as a romantic or as a lover based on my anatomy is a very narrow understanding of desire and sexuality.

Gender itself is defined by a social constructs and expectations. Therefore, the limits of those titles only fit in the society they function in. 

In Queer Ville, your HN-Land titles won't work so don't hold me to them.

I don't take Testosterone for your recognition or approval. 

I take it because it makes my mind feel right with my body.

I know that it is right because since I have started I have been a better friend, more self-assured, and no longer depressed.

Has it saved me from the pains of social pressure? Not all of it.

I don't think anyone can really escape that.

Waaiiitt....

This here is a little ode to the Terminal 5 bouncer who probably had a tough time at last night's Tegan and Sara concert.

I went with my sister to see the show and we passed by the usual security for a concert venue. They checked liz's bag and took her dam water, of course.

I was then approached by the bouncer to do the standard guy to guy pat down when he was like "waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaiit, you a dude?"
Poor guy working at a Tegan and Sara show probably saw quite a few boi/dyke girls who he put the touches on accidently.

Though I heard what he said I didn't really respond cause I don't get why I have to be touched in the first place so instead I just said, "what?"

At that point he used my voice to determine that I was indeed ok to touch and he smacked his hands on my chest like there could possibly be a weapon up there.

But yeah, this post goes out to him for a tough two nights working as the "touching bouncer" for "dudes" at the Tegan and Sara shows.


Voice. Check.

GREAT show by the way :)

Just a picture..

Just doing some arm circles...... 

ANOTHER GOOD THING

The timing of my decision to STOP taking my anti-depressants is coinciding as the FDA has put my perscription, Cymbalta, on a list of drugs with POTENTIAL SAFETY RISKS.. check more here. 

Urinary retention?? Doesn't sound too serious and I have never noticed any bladder problems. 

So I guess I am ok?? 

One week off ADs

It has been about a week since I have taken any pills and while there is still some lingering effects I have begun to notice some acute changes in me. 

The feelings of nausea and have mostly subsided. 

There is an occasional tingle that runs through different parts of my body for split seconds. It stops in whatever I am doing but is gone immediately after. 

I feel lighter...despite having some weight problems right now... my hands and neck feel more loose. When I feel tired I feel REALLY TIRED and must immediately find darkness and lay down. Sometimes I stay put and sometimes my mind wanders and I awaken and continue on with reading or whatever it is I feel like doing. 

But every day I seem to get better and the effects less present. 

While I have not felt depressed I have actually ..well have almost cried.

For the first time in a very long while I have actually teared  up over a book. 

STRANGE feeling. But either way it is allowing me to identify things that are hitting my emotions... gender, ironically has never had that effect on me until now. 

So.. emotions are flowing back to me and it is a bit scary since I have been insulated from them for so long but this is good. Feelings are GOOD!